I am desperately trying to find reference points, but they do not seem to exist. A pattern or a guiding light into some direction, none of that is present at the moment and it puts me in a very observing state. I have never been the biggest goal setter, things would normally come my way and when I would set goals, I would achieve them and they sometimes manifested faster then I thought. This is different though, I quit my job and for the first time, I had no real goal, just some ideas and vague plans, but knew anything would be open and I was about to embark on a journey of change, that is what I set out to do and that is what I got. I wanted and needed change and in my head it is like ripping out all the old weeds and sowing new things, I have no idea what the end result will look like, all I know is where to sow them.
My initial ‘plan’ was to walk parts of the South Island, and I have been doing a few tracks, some of them I had done before and some new ones, tracks which were on the things to do list. But the plan changed a bit and I pulled out of some walks I was planning to do and chipping my front teeth again meant I had to get them fixed. After a little research I stumbled on this website in India, Mumbai. That was totally not the plan, but I quit my job and with no solid income I was looking for a cheaper option! A re-root and two new porcelain crowns are not cheap here and it’s a fraction of the price in Mumbai. I also had a wedding invitation in Pune, which for Indian standard is just around the corner from Pune. I rang my mum and she just saw a documentary about a Dutch dentist who went to have a look at the Dental service in Mumbai and was very impressed. So all things pointed to India, still I have no Idea what is waiting for me there, it can’t be just my teeth?
My ticket is for 3 month, but do you think I have any idea what I am going to do there? This seems to be the state of my mind for the last month and I am accepting it as much as I am fighting it, don’t I need a plan, a destination? Is it good to just let go and float? It feels weird and new to me but maybe this is what I need to do to get to new waters. My only goal is change, but is that a goal itself?
I was born in India and I will be there for my birthday, I want to visit the hospital I was born in, if it’s still there and do a meditation course in the place I was supposed to be born, but that is all the plans I have. I have no plans for when I get back to NZ.
I think it’s the mind that just can’t seem to handle this. This state of not knowing where to go, no plan, no direction, just existing, that is what the mind can’t handle.
I can hear it scream, ‘what will happen, what will happen’ and I just don’t know.
I wonder has anyone ever been on a journey where you had no idea where you were going? And isn’t it ironic that when I quit my job, everybody was asking, and still is, what are you going to do, the one question I did not want to hear. Sometimes all you want to do is eat and sleep and have no other big plans and goals.
So, in a little bit more then two weeks I will board the plane to India and land in Mumbai, the place where ‘Shantaram’ took place. If you have not read that book, I can highly recommend it!!! This is one of the best books I have read and the main character is on a similar journey in essence as he has no real control and just has to surrender. I am looking forward to the experience and things to come and will try to let my images do the talking.